


The Prevention and Treatment of Mal Lice

by blacktea



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, It's not stalking if it's for your own good, Mal Lice, Not Epilogue Compliant, POV Draco Malfoy, POV Ginny Weasley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 11:32:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9121618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blacktea/pseuds/blacktea
Summary: "Loony, look, I don't appreciate your concern and I am absolutely certain that it would be best if you went back to chasing your niglits."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little something I found on my hard drive. Enjoy!

Draco Malfoy was not a nice guy. He never was and he never would be. He wasn't stupid either. So he knew he was a right bastard most of the time. So he never asked himself questions like 'Why me?' or 'What did I do to deserve this?'.  


Well he never asked those questions before he realized Loony Luna Lovegood was stalking him.  


And he didn't ask them in the whiny 'poor me' sense. More in the 'why is this bloody nutter following me everywhere' sense.  


At first, he thought she was plotting an elaborate, and bizarre, revenge on him, but she never did anything threatening or any more suspicious than extremely persistent following. She also seemed to be taking notes for some reason. Besides the revenge scenario didn't seem all that likely considering she had almost seemed to enjoy her five month 'stay' in his family's cellar.  


With any other girl he would simply assume she was harboring an ill-conceived crush on him, but he didn't think that was it either. Sure she looked unfocused and distracted, but he was fairly certain that was because a huge stack of father's ridiculous dribble had fallen on her when she was a baby smashing any hope she had of not being painfully dim.  


So he no idea why she was following him, but in all honesty he didn't really want to know why. He just wanted her to stop doing it. He was okay with not knowing that particular gem of information. Better than okay even. After all he wasn't some mudblood with wild frizzy hair.  


Draco quickly turned a corner and pressed his back against the wall. He heard her stop drifting after him. Her steps oddly, and disturbingly, made no sound, but he had discovered, accidentally and very much against his will, that her robes made a sort of swish noise. It was more of a swoosh when she skipped.  


He tensed his muscles and threw himself off the wall and into a run. He was about forty-five seconds from the Slytherin common room. He knew it wasn't dignified to be running from little, crazy birds, but his family's post-war situation didn't really leave him the option of hexing anyone, much less former prisoners.  


Besides he'd just spent the previous hour in library with her watching him while he attempted, and failed, to write a Charms essay. He found her scrutiny uncomfortable and creepy and strange. And weird.  


Didn't she have her own Charm's essays to do?  


Didn't she have made-up creatures to look for?  


Even loons had better things to do, right?  


But he had no way of answering those questions, besides asking her, and he decided in the beginning to not in any way encourage the nutter shadowing him. Conversation would be a mistake.  


She'd probably think they were friends or something.  


He sighed in relief as he slipped through the false wall leading to the Slytherin common room.  


He was safe.  


Until breakfast.

*** 

Draco was arrogant. Always was and always would be. Maybe it had been arrogant to assume the whole 'school crazy stalking him' thing would go away. But that was who he was.  


Also, perhaps it had been, dare he even think it, _hopeful_ to think it wouldn't get any worse.  


So when he woke up and saw her sitting on the foot of his bed taking notes his first idea had been to start screaming. Of course, he quickly and brutally smashed that idea into a pulp, but that didn't mean he didn't think the idea had merit. He simply couldn't go through with it. Being a Malfoy was all about image.  


So he settled on a decidedly more manly second option and said. "What in the bleeding fuck are doing on my bed?"  


But she just blinked at him more slowly than he thought was possible. Merlin! She couldn't even blink normally. And then she said, "It's even worse than I thought. This is very bad."  


He frowned at her in confusion. "I know. And apparently you know. So why are you here exactly?" And how, how did she get into his dorm room?  


She bit her lip and actually managed to look mildly troubled. "Draco I don't know how to tell you this, but I think you have a case of malice. Perhaps caustic. Or possibly even heartburn."  


"What?" He was so completely baffled he couldn't even sound angry.  


"Malice generally breed in the spleen or pancreas, but nest in the sinuses and produce a venom that cause their hosts to be irrationally hateful. They also create an aversion to poppy seed muffins. Caustic are creatures that crawl into your ears and feed off positive emotions before they can be felt causing those they infect to be extremely unhappy. Heartburn are the worst though. They'll start eating a person from the inside-out once they get that person depressed enough."  


"Loony, any malice I direct towards you, caustic or otherwise, is not due to heartburn," Draco said scathingly, but the nutter just kept on looking concerned for him. If he cared about crazy people, he would have been very, very, very concerned for her.  


Merlin kill him. Better yet kill her.  


The mental Raveclaw just shook her head. "Not malice Draco, Mal _Lice_. Clawts _Ticks_. Hlart _Berns_. These creatures can be devastating when left untreated and I'm afraid you may have been born with them."  


Draco cast an envious glance at his still sleeping roommates. It must have been nice not having to deal with a mental person. "Loony, look, I don't appreciate your concern and I am absolutely certain that it would be best if you went back to chasing your niglits."  


She tilted her head. "Oh, dear. You cannot even see how much trouble you're in, but do not worry. I will not give up on you."  


Draco gaped. How was that supposed to _not_ worry him? "Loony seriously-"  


"But," she said with a soft smile, "I will leave you for now. I have to go prepare some tests." And then she hopped off his bed and left the room.  


He was so screwed. A literal 'her parents were spot on with the name Luna' lunatic was determined to cure him. Of something.  


Shite.  


And double shite.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Luna, they're prejudiced pure-blood snobs with ambiguous moral tendencies. Let's not go making more out of it than there is."

"You know Ginny, I think you were correct in your earlier postulation."  


Ginny stopped mid chew and sent her friend a questioning look. It was probably for the best that Luna had started this conversation while she was eating. She very rarely knew what to say to the blond Ravenclaw.  


Luna smiled at her encouragingly. "What you said about Draco Malfoy and the mal lice."  


Ginny swallowed her oatmeal as she tried recall the conversation she'd had with Luna two weeks prior on the Hogwarts Express. Oh, yeah. Something about Malfoy being a git. And mal lice. What did those do again? "So what exactly did I say?" Luna, she had discovered, had almost creepily good memory. So it was no problem for her to restart long dead conversations.  


"You said: 'Malfoy's such a git he was probably born with those things.' You said this in reference to mal lice which crawl up your nose and nest in your nasal cavity. The slime they excrete makes their host irritable and emotionally unstable. The also cause an intense disliking towards poppy seed muffins."  


Ginny set her spoon down into her mostly empty bowl. Good thing she'd eaten most of her breakfast. The word 'excrete' was pretty much guaranteed to kill her appetite when coupled with 'slime.' "But what if he's just a git? I would think that would be the more likely scenario. You've seen his parents."  


But instead of seeing reason Luna just nodded gravely. "I know. They are also blond."  


Ginny blinked and gave her head a shake for good measure. "Wait, what? What does being blond have to do with anything?"  


"Mal Lice prefer to infect people with blond hair. These butterbeer corks are not just good for warding off nargles you know. They protect me from forty-three and a half different creatures, mal lice included." Despite all her previous encounters with Luna, Ginny could feel her eyes once again widening in confusion. And what did she mean and a half? Of course Luna continued to explain, doubtless inured to the confusion of others, "It is just like you said. He was likely born with them. And possibly his parents as well. I trust you understand the gravity of this situation."  


"Luna they're prejudiced pure-blood snobs with ambiguous moral tendencies. Let's not go making more out of it than there is," Ginny said as quickly and firmly as she could. She needed to stop Luna on this idea now or there would be no stopping her.  


But Luna's ever present smile just took on hard determined edge. "Ginny he does not like poppy seed muffins. Over the last two weeks that I've been observing him. He has not eaten a single poppy seed muffin. And he likes muffins. They comprise anywhere from fifty to seventy-five percent of his breakfast daily. He eats all the other kinds."  


"Luna as your friend and a fellow human being I find it deeply disturbing that you know that much about Malfoy's muffin intake," and numerous other things, "Also I think it would be best if you just left him to his mal lice infestation. It's not like it's killing him." Unfortunately.  


Of course she might as well have been talking to a wall, for Luna was busy scribbling down some notes with the occasional glance at the Slytherin table where Malfoy's bright blond hair was easy to pick out even from across the room.  


"Luna-"  


"He seems to be starting with blueberry this morning. Hmmm."  


Ginny just sighed. Well, at least she could say she tried.  


Besides it might be amusing to watch her 'cure' Malfoy.

*** 

"Weasley."  


Ginny looked up from her charms essay to find Draco Malfoy. He seemed to be dividing his attention between glaring at her and scanning the area...for something. Although she couldn't imagine what he thought would attack him in the library. "Malfoy."  


With one last sweeping look he sat down across from her clearly ready to bolt should the need arise. "How do I make her stop?"  


Ginny sighed and set down her quill. "How do you make who stop?"  


"Your friend Loony. How do I make her stop trying to cure me?"  


Ginny looked at him blankly. "She's still doing that?" How strange. How odd. She'd have figured Luna would have stopped months ago.  


"Yes," Malfoy hissed. "She is on first name basis with both my mother and father."  


"Wait, what?" Wow, he was even harder to follow than Luna.  


"When I went home for winter hols I thought I'd be safe, but no. The day after I get home she there on the veranda drinking tea with them."  


"Luna was drinking tea with your parents," Ginny murmured to herself. Nope, that couldn't be right.  


But Draco nodded. "It gets worse. My parents find her amusing so they did nothing to deter her from-from-whatever bleeding hell she thinks she's doing."  


"Huh." Malfoy's parents got on with Luna. Who would have thunk it? Malfoy's parents got on with anyone. How peculiar.  


"So what do I do?"  


Ginny shrugged. "Let her cure you."  


"That's- Oh, shit!"  


And just like that Malfoy vacated his chair and ran out of the library. And she was fairly certain she saw a certain blond Ravenclaw chase after him.

*** 

"-and last Thursday he took a broom to transfiguration so he could exit out one of the windows."  


Ginny turned her gaze from the lovely April sky to Hermione Granger. "He did?"  


Hermione nodded. "Yeah, McGonagall gave him a detention for it. Why is Luna chasing him all over for again?"  


"Mal lice," she stated simply.  


The older girl bit her lip obviously puzzled. "Well, that makes sense I suppose, but Luna doesn't seem the vengeful type."  


"Not malice, mal-"  


"I think he'll make a full recovery."  


The two Gryffindors jumped as Luna sat down next to them in the grass. "Do you mean Malfoy?" Ginny asked, although she was fairly sure to whom Luna was referring.  


Luna beamed. "Yes. It will take some time, but I think in a few years he will be better than ever."  


"So he won't be a git?" Ginny queried with extreme doubt.  


Luna laughed. "Well, not exactly, but his temperament will nonetheless improve."  


"So you think you're curing him of something," Hermione stated clearly dubious.  


"I know I'm curing him of mal lice," Luna answered with a slight edge, obviously picking up on the brunette's skepticism. "They're small creatures that cause their host to be irritable and dislike poppy seed muffins."  


Hermione raised her eye brows. "How do you treat _mal lice?_ "  


"Well there are three ways. One is a potion and the second is ritual. Neither of which Draco took to."  


"Why not?" Ginny asked.  


Luna frowned slightly. "He said that the potion tasted like it would kill him if he ingested for a week much less three years. And he said the ritual sounded stupid and dangerous. He didn't even care that the dragon would be asleep."  


"How...silly of him," Ginny said agreeably while she mentally moved Luna's crazy meter up.  


"Well, Draco is nothing if not silly."  


After briefly choking on air Hermione managed to say, "So you obviously went with the third option."  


Apparently unaware of Hermione prompt for more info, Luna simply nodded.  


"What's the third option, Luna?" Ginny asked slightly exasperated.  


"Well, it is silly I didn't try it earlier being as I was born in Romania on the night of a new moon," Luna confided on a chuckle.  


"Is that so?" Hermione asked dryly.  


Luna nodded again. "It should have been obvious."  


"Really?" Ginny asked with growing curiosity. If she didn't know better she'd think Luna was stalling.  


"And how was I to know Draco would like it so much?"  


"Like what?" Hermione demanded.  


"Kissing, I suppose," Luna informed them distractedly, but even Luna wasn't dense enough to miss the silence that followed. "What?"  


"You kissed Draco Malfoy," Ginny whispered while Hermione continued to gape at the younger Ravenclaw.  


Luna shrugged. "It was the only way. But I found it quite enjoyable as well."  


"But you said it would take years to treat him. You can't mean you're going to- For years!" She already knew Luna was crazy, but this level of madness seemed incomprehensible.  


Of course, Luna being Luna just smiled. "Oh, well, we are engaged to be married. So it should not be too out of my way."  


Hermione had violent coughing fit before asking, "When did that happen?"  


"Well, Cissy and I were talking and I mentioned the mal lice and the kissing and then she thought-"  


"Wait a second! Since when are you so chummy with Narcissa Malfoy?" Hermione looked equal parts intrigued and horrified.  


"Since the Winter Holidays. Anyway the engagement was her idea."  


“But why Luna?” Why, why, why?  


“Oh, well Cissy is rather conservative you see.”  


“No Luna! Why would you want to marry him?”  


Luna turned her lips up in an actual smirk. “He’s tall, attractive and rich; why not?”  


Hermione started sputtering incoherently at Luna’s surprising normal answer.  


“Also, he’s surprisingly easy to train. Once you have properly worked out his motivations that is.”  


Ginny felt her eye widen even more at that scarily Slytherin reason.  


“Oh, and he’s excellent at catching nargles.”  


Oh. Well, of course he was.


End file.
